Tuesday, May 25, 2010

President blasts Louisiana’s efforts to fight the advances of oil slick

Speaking from the security of his teleprompter, the President was quick to criticize Louisiana’s Governor for his defiant announcement that he was going to take matters in his own hands regarding the advancing oil slick. With a double-barreled attack against the governor, the President said that such a move by the State of Louisiana was quite possibly discriminatory and perhaps even unconstitutional. He warned that his administration would not stand for such behavior, and he would immediately appoint a czar who would in turn form a team of experts to determine if Louisiana’s actions are unconstitutional. In addition the President announced that should Louisiana actually incarcerate any of the alleged illegal oil slick, the U.S. government would not necessarily process that undocumented oil referred to them by the State of Louisiana. Let me be clear, said the President. I will never let a good crisis go to waste when there’s a chance to make my big government even bigger than it already is.

Not one to take the President’s criticism lying down, the governor shot back that he wouldn’t have to go to such extremes if the federal government would merely enforce current policies against oil spills coming ashore. Nevertheless, the Louisiana Governor plans to proceed with his plan even it means that he will have to go to jail. He has been waiting and waiting for the federal government to provide millions of feet in booms and build new barrier islands to keep the unwanted oil from reaching his shore line, but nothing ever happens.

It’s true that current U.S. laws and regulations prohibit oil spills from making landfall, but the administration has been notoriously lax in enforcing those laws. The President warned that any effort to thwart the unending advances of the illegal immigration of the oil slick could very easily lead to unfair profiling practices. Still speaking from his ever-present teleprompter, the President said that while the nation’s citizens, and especially Louisiana’s residents rightfully may not want the uninvited oil to cross their shores, they should understand that the oil has been unduly repressed and held against its will below the earth’s surface for millennia. As anyone knows, the U.S. is viewed around the world as a land of plenty and opportunity. Who can blame the oil for wanting to exist in a better place?

The President expressed grave concerns that if Louisiana goes forward with pushing back against the oil slick, they could easily slip into discriminatory profiling. Doing so could lead to other substances, and even certain life forms being targeted for deportation. There are many legal residents of the United States that don’t deserve being subjected to the profiling that is likely to occur under Louisiana’s new policies. Just think about it. The oil is black when it emerges from below ground, but after spending weeks floating around in the Gulf of Mexico, it can take on a brown, or even a dirty white appearance. In any case, it is always slippery. The President so eloquently pointed out that the sure-to-come profiling could possibly target certain legal U.S. residents such as the Black Sea Turtle, the Brown Crab, the White Grunt which is a tasty salt water fish, and various slippery sea critters. In addition to the potential profiling of the aforementioned life forms, other inorganic substances could be discriminated against. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that mud, which is brown in color, could easily be scooped up and disposed of along with the undesirable oil.

The whole idea of indiscriminately rounding up the invasive oil slick is repulsive, said the President. All summer long, human beach lovers douse themselves in oil until their bodies shimmer in the bright noon-day sun. Don’t the rocks and sand along the shores of Lousiana have a right to the same pleasures? Perhaps they too, would like to have a soothing coating of oil.

Mirroring the President’s stance, California’s legislature immediately called for all of its citizens to boycott Louisiana. New Orleans holds no unique attraction to us, said one Senator. After all, we’ve got San Francisco. We have enough odd balls here to satisfy anyone’s lust for pleasure and entertainment. One West Coast liberal went so far as to call the owner of the New Orleans Saints and pressured him to move his club to another state.

Not necessarily on the President’s Band Wagon, a radio personality was quick to jump into the fray, nevertheless. Mr. Beck immediately doubled his efforts to promote the purchase of gold. Asked what gold had to do with an oil spill, he said that he buys gold, not as an investment, but as insurance. And what better thing is there to insure against than millions of gallons of oil washing ashore.

How this latest chain of events ends up is anyone’s guess. We will keep you posted.
(This is a spoof of the way we are handling the oil spill in light of the way we are handling the Arizona illegal immigration law)

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