Thursday, January 14, 2010

If Obama was an Exterminator

Suppose that Mrs. Jones were to call Obama the exterminator about a flea infestation. What would he do? First, he’d send his perfectly fine pick-up truck to the car crusher. Then, he’d go out and purchase an energy efficient electric car. Next, he’d set up an interview with Mrs. Jones regarding her alleged flea infestation. After determining that she had a legitimate flea problem, he’d begin developing a fool-proof flea eradication plan.

First, he’d closely scrutinize his circle of PETA friends, looking for the best person to handle the job. Then approximately nine months after the initial call from Mrs. Jones, he’d appoint a radical flea-caring activist as his Flea Czar. This highly paid Czar would be assigned to oversee the flea eradication program at Mrs. Jones house. He’d then make a passionate offer to the population of fleas in Mrs. Jones’ house, asking them to open up a line of diologue with no pre-conditions. If the talks were to break down, Obama would ask the United Nations to send in teams of inspectors to verify that the fleas’ intentions were of a peaceful nature. The fleas’ activities would have to be restricted to feeding only on the household mice and rats, and leaving the family pets alone. In the event that the fleas were to continue attacking the household cats and dogs, Obama would threaten to implement tough new sanctions against the fleas by removing the family pets from the house and insuring that no other cats or dogs would be able come on the property.

Should the above measures fail, Obama would set up a National Flea Health Control program with a mandatory public option. If Mrs. Jones felt that the services of private pest control companies were entirely too expensive, taxes would be levied on all Americans according to their income. After the National Flea Health Control program was fully implemented, Obama would arrange for end-of-life discussions to be held with Mrs. Jones’ defiant flea population. Once the fleas had been convinced that they had already lived a long and fulfilling life, they would be directed to check in at a local government-sponsored assisted suicide clinic.

After setting up his program, Obama would expect to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his brave innovations in the humane treatment of fleas.

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